I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
