Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize