In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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