Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
