How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
