i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Operation Purity has been aborted
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
