Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
