apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
