You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
