Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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