i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
