i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
