So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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