the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
