So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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