We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
