Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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