I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
