So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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