You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
