so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
