I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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