I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize