It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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