Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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