is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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