At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
