Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
