Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
