Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
