Already got asked if we're dating
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, beer. Big fan.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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