guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
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