Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
