tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
