AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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