The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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