I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
His nipple licking is glorious
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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