She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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