I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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