Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The uberlube is also flammable
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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