Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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