Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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