i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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