did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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