It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
