Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
