Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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