I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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