i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
