I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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