Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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