just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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