I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
