Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
