I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm getting married
To pizza
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
