Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
