Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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