I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
