she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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