Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
